Meltdown, Self Care, And Never, Ever Giving Up

by on May 29, 2013

A few weeks ago, this goddess had a meltdown..
(yes, it’s taken a while to feel ‘solid’ enough to share it.)

I created something, offered it up for sale,

and it tanked.

Utterly.

To say I was gutted is an understatement.crying statue

Awash in total and utter, heart-squeezing disappointment.
Crushing sadness at what hadn’t happened “as it should”.
Bitter, bile-tasting frustration at a failure I’d thought impossible, or at least, improbable.

My chest compressed and breathing shallowed.
My eyes filled and spilled.

My gremlins cackled in vicious victory, so loudly that I couldn’t hear my usually clear inner voice.

I wanted to hide. Hibernate. Give up,

Again.

Because this isn’t the first time.

Despite what everyone seems to think, it wasn’t even the twentieth time.

It was just the ‘now’ time, and I wasn’t prepared.

For weeks and weeks, I’d been wrestling with doubt-filled procrastination,
dragging my heels on something I knew needed to be offered, launched, shipped.

Finally, the stars aligned. I got a virtual permission slip from the Universe and I began to believe I was infallible.

So I did it. That thing I’d been putting off for so long.

I finally, FINALLY got it done.

And it failed.

Not epically, with a grand flourishing gesture like the final scene of an opera.

More like the soundless, I-was-never-here of a ice cube melting in a glass.

I expected rave reviews, standing ovations and sign-me-up emails.
What I got was the sound of crickets and an empty inbox. (click to tweet this)

And the bubble of confidence and omg-I-can-do-this-ness deflated with a hiss of told-you-so.

I felt crushed. Alone. Fragmented.

How many more times could I take this?

How many more times could I take this kind of fathomless disappointment, made all the more abyss-like because of the cloud-heights at which I’d been flying ?

This was too hard. The white flag was in my hand. I was done.

I curled up, fetal-ball, in my sanctuary chair and allowed tears to flow, breath to catch, emotions to flood.

Allow. Breathe. Be.

And on to the washed-clean slate floated two words,

Self care.

Self care.

Today was not a day for leaning into resistance.
Today was not for trying again, pushing through, fighting back.

Today would be for replenishment, renewal, re-setting.

I showered … allowing warm water, and gratitude and peace to flow over me.

Soaped off the grit of denial, self-deprecation, despair.

I dressed … dressed up, taking joy in the creativity of putting together an outfit, the sparkle of chandelier earrings, the swish-swirl of my skirt. Costuming myself in who-I-want-to-be rather than who-I’m-feeling.

Two phone calls to clear my morning. No excuses. Just firm rescheduling.

Handbag, journal, fountain pen, car keys. To the book shop.

Step in. Breathe in. Feel.

Creamy latte, crunchy biscotti, a pile of published wisdom and an hour or two to absorb.

And from the pages, wisdom spoke up ….

“Between you and every goal that you wish to achieve, there is a series of obstacles, and the bigger the goal, the bigger the obstacles.

Your decision to be, have and do something out of the ordinary entails facing difficulties and challenges that are out of the ordinary as well.

Sometimes your greatest asset is simply your ability to stay with it longer than anyone else.”
~ Brian Tracy

“Every adversity, every failure, and every heartache, carries with it the seed of an equivalent or greater benefit.”
– Napoleon Hill

“Every time I’ve melted, I’ve emerged in better form.” ~ Tina Kennedy

On my laptop screen, the same message came from my coach/colleague/friend …

“This was not a flop. Not even close” – Lisa Hayes – The Sorority

I remembered Winston Churchill, “Never, never give up.” and I wrote that simple phrase at the top of my journal page, embellishing with doodles and hearts and stars.

And as if un-dammed, a torrent of words flooded onto the page.

Words of affirmation.

Words of confirmation.

Brilliant ideas and crystal clear strategies.

Insights and inspiration. Confidence and concrete next-steps.

By the time I got home, I was stronger, wiser, ready.

I knew what I’d needed to learn, why this had happened, and where I would go from here.

I’d seen a dark, deep corner of the cave where self-worth goes to die and been re-calibrated.

I had found a treasure.

And I was oh, so grateful.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*

The final ribbon-bow on this gift was waiting for me online, from Kellie Hosaka, one of the wisest women I know.

A video of Abraham Hicks. Eight minutes. A precise, exquisite explanation of the past 12 hours.

“If you feel bad about something, it means that you’ve asked for something, and the Bigger Part Of You has already become something that you’re not allowing the rest of you to keep up with.”

Self care created the time for ‘the rest of me’ to catch up.

Self care gave me the energy to unzip the cocoon and the perseverance to struggle free.

Self care has given me the the strength to bear the exquisite pain of blood pulsing through newly formed wings.

Self care allows me to fly.

*-*-*-*-*-*

Sweetheart, if you’re at the end of your rope, tired, frustrated, thiiiiiiiis close to chucking in the whole shebang,

it’s not time for pushing through or ‘making yourself’ do stuff.

I know you’ve tried that already, and it hasn’t worked, has it?

It time for self care. It’s time to nurture, nourish, nest.

It’s time to refill your pitcher so you can pour love and light on to others.

It’s time to love yourself as much as you do your kids and partner.

It’s time to treat yourself as the most important person in your world.

Because that, scrumptious one, is exactly what you are.

(And that’s a tweet-able, too)

Bliss-ings and love

JacquiName1

 

 

 

 

 

 

Credit: Crying statue photo by Neha

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{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }

Jackie May 29, 2013 at 2:39 pm

Beautiful and instructive post.

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Anne Bolender May 29, 2013 at 5:15 pm

Oh Jacqui – you have no idea how “straight to the heart” this post has landed!! Thank you for your words and for sharing your journey – it is truly inspiring!!

Anne
Anne Bolender´s last blog post ..Ethical Hedonism, hmmmm

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Jacqueline Gates May 29, 2013 at 6:01 pm

Ms Anne, it’s funny how that works, isn’t it?

At our most vulnerable, we make our deepest connections.

Reply

Sherri June 3, 2013 at 9:36 pm

<3

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Nathalie Villeneuve June 3, 2013 at 10:47 pm

You are such an amazing woman…I appriciate you, your honesty, your friendship. I value what you bring into my life…I do not compare myself to you…I do not compare myself to anybody else…I am me…you are you….beautiful and tenacious. You remind me of my daughter Meghann…You have will and a irresistable presence…continue to believe in your dream…it’s real. Much L O V E! ~ Nathalie
Nathalie Villeneuve´s last blog post ..A Gathering On Purpose And In Sisterhood

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Kim Nesbitt June 4, 2013 at 1:47 am

Oh Dear Heart,
You are such a treasure. My heart breaks that you have been going through all of this….you are so strong and you have so much wonderfulness. Don’t ever give up on your dreams…sometimes….it’s just not quite the right time……But that time is coming!
Big Hugs and lots of love – Kim
Kim Nesbitt´s last blog post ..I’ve Changed My Focus

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Kellie Hosaka June 4, 2013 at 5:40 am

Aloha Jacqui!

Congratulations on your courage to share your journey and your persistence. You are truly an inspiration and as Jim Rohn said to us when we (Herbalife) were going through a very tough time, “It’s going to be okay, just keep going!!”.

You’re “The Goddess” Jacqui! Keep on shinning your light cause there are people in the dark who are looking for “your light”!! Keep doing “what makes your heart sing”! 🙂

I Believe In YOU!!

Lots of Love,
Kellie 🙂
Kellie Hosaka´s last blog post ..5 Minutes To Visualize And Stay Focused

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Kimberley June 4, 2013 at 7:54 am

Thanks Jacqui,
That is so true!! We keep putting ourselves out there and its scary because you hope you will just get some likes and some comments would sure be nice too!! Its easy to feel like giving up when you think no one really wants to read your stuff or sign up for a course, etc. But I think you are right that a little self care and focus on yourself can do wonders. Also, sometimes just a little time passing can make all the difference and then we can carry on!! Thank you
Kimberley´s last blog post ..50 Things To Do This Year

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Jeannette June 5, 2013 at 12:14 am

I know LOA Biz Coach Matt O’Grady says “we are our business,” but I think your post shows how identifying ourselves with our results can be unhelpful. We are not our results – who we are isn’t dictated by what happens (or doesn’t) in our biz. We remain brilliant even when our results don’t seem to be.

Kudos to carrying on!
Jeannette´s last blog post ..It’s a Vibrational Thing

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Jessie June 18, 2013 at 10:36 am

It’s all about the self-care!

Loved this post Jacqui – your words are so inspirational and heartfelt. Thank you =)

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Eva November 13, 2014 at 5:33 pm

I needed this one today Jacqui…I have been feeling this way with my Etsy shops lately…no sales in quite a long time and total frustration and sadness…should I just give it all up and call it a day. And then I came across this post…self care. Yes, that is something I haven’t done for myself…time to try something different and just take care of me for a change. Thank you for this inspiration today…
Eva´s last blog post ..A Visit with “Aunt Frances”

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