What I Learned From Reading My Own Journal … Probably TMI, But There Ya Go

by on May 30, 2014

 Diary

“I never travel without my diary.
One should always have something sensational to read on the train.”
~ Oscar Wilde

 

 

 

November 2013, I was paging through my journal on the plane home from San Diego.

I’d just been to the Live the Dream …
a large event for network marketers (which I’m not)
hosted by a company that I’m not a member of.

Strange on both counts, right?

Nonetheless I got what I went for …
incredible training, a chance to hug and hangout with my very first mentor,
and oodles of deep conversations with female entrepreneurs who’ve found that they somehow sacrificed their homes to their home business.

I actually planned to write down a strategy to implement everything I’d learned (this being a new focus for a recovering Shelf-help addict lol) so I got out my journal and favorite-magic-fountain-pen.

Opened it at the first page … here’s what was written there.

Achievements of my 49th Year. October 2012 – October 2013

  • My list went from 230 to 2300
  • I shed the extra 20 lbs forever … now at 127lb
  • I released two signature systems
    Acting Skills for Deliberate Creators
    Abundance on a Budget – Putting LOA to work when you can’t afford not to
  • I totally replaced my retail income with coaching and product revenue
  • I filled my coaching practice – 6 Clients at 1 hour per week @$297 per month
  • We sold the house in Serenade Lane
  • I wrote a book and published it on Kindle.

I couldn’t help it … I started to cry.

Because at first glance, it looked like I’d totally missed this boat.

My list is nowhere near 2300 and I’m still wrestling with that 20 lbs.

My gremlins rose up in triumph and my head filled with their nattering …
“See, you’re no better off. You failed again.
You make all these grand plans and nothing ever happens.
Face it, you’re nothing but a wannabe.
You’ll never make it.”

Trying not to alert the dozing woman next to me, I took a deep shuddering breath.

I closed my eyes, and surrendered to the noise.

I had felt so powerful all weekend.
I’d been completely grounded in my goddessiness, absolutely certain that I was in the right place at the right time, and over and over, strangers turned into friends who validated that.

Somehow I knew that even though the specifics of those journal entries weren’t yet real,
the intention and growth they represented had already happened.

Over the meanness of the voice I’d listened to for too long, came a new, clearer voice.
And she said, “You’ve come a long way, sweetie.Well done.”

Instantly, the nattering stopped.
There was stillness and serenity.

I noticed I’d been holding my breath.

I shifted in my seat, and continued reading.

Page after page chronicled my path over the past year,
noting turns I’d forgotten,
challenges I’d dismissed once conquered.

Notes taken on webinars and while reading blogs and books.

Intentions for a week or 90 days … most unchecked, some annotated with corrections
and (far too) occasionally, congrats.

The log of an epic journey that I hadn’t realized I was the hero of.

Through the scribbles on the page I watched myself grow.

I saw myself fall,
whimper,
step back for a while
and reset.

I noticed that I always reset. Always dusted off and started again.

I never gave up.

And a warm sensation of pride swept over me.

This was not the diary of a quitter.

This was the diary of someone who kept trying a different way; who persevered, persisted, carried on.

I watched myself wrestle with doubt
some pages were full of question after question about the validity of what I’ve discovered, and my ability to share it.

Many pages with headed with the name of a mentor/marketer/guru with observations about their brilliance and some golden nugget they’d shared.

But over and over again, I saw flashes of my own wisdom.

After so many months, I’d forgotten what I’d written, and I read my own words with a kind of ‘holy-crap-this-is-good’ amazement.

Then, about two-thirds of the way through, a page devoted to planning for the event I’d just attended … cost, airfare, hotel … how to make it happen.

And a decision made.

And because of that decision, momentum in my growth builds … I’m fixated on ‘getting my ducks in a row’ before I arrive in San Diego. I really don’t want to be caught uncertain and tongue-tied when someone asks, “What do you do?”

I invest in some branding help and redo the Business Goddess course.

In the journal, pages and pages of homework and lecture notes, slowly, I notice a focus, a clarity developing

Then … entries about the event itself.

Feedback on how the philosophy of LOA nesting hits home with stretched-to-breaking home-preneurs.

A quick note about how a simple, two-minute label-change leaves someone breathless with delight in the middle of a crowded bar.

I’m gobsmacked-delighted to see that the precepts I’ve been reluctant to share because I deemed them ‘too fluffy’ are changing peoples’ lives, even in the most casual of conversations.

A five minute couch-chat in the hotel lobby just before I left,
resulted in an awakening that prompted a video that makes me cry with joy and gratitude.

So why am I telling you all this?

Because, magicpants, I really, really want you to see behind the scenes of my business, to gaze back along my path,

to realize ... you’re probably a whole lot further along your own path than you think you are.

But most of all … to give you hugs of encouragement and a gentle shove to keep you moving.

Sweetheart, I know how horribly disappointing it can be to revisit old resolutions and realize that they haven’t happened yet.
(I’ve had that ‘shed 20 lbs’ one for about 3 years now!)

Things undone and unaccomplished have a way of eating into our confidence and sapping our energy.

I sooooo nearly felt for that crap.

BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT A GODDESS DOES!

Yes, my list isn’t as big as I aimed for … and yes, I still weigh more than I want to … but you know what, those are just details.

There are other details much more focus-worthy … like, I get opt-ins every day + hardly ever get unsubscribes + the scale inches down daily. It’s happening. I’ll get there soon.

And while my achievements list may not look precisely like the ones listed in my journal,
they still look pretty damn good …

  • In this past year I released my first ever program, one that I now realize actually had to come before the two I specified on that diary page;
  • I filled my coaching practice, but the fee I stated there was out of my allowing-ness then. So instead, I launched at a price that felt right and I’ve raised it incrementally as my coaching prowess has grown;
  • We finally sold the house by amping up our LOA strategies and after a year, we’re completely debt-free;
  • I’ve stepped up and out with my philosophy…leading public calls and webinars; contributing to and becoming a faculty member at Good Vibe University;
  • Later this week, I’m being interviewed for my first telesummit … another milestone.

This is progress. These are achievements worth noting.

Who cares if they weren’t on the list!

Far too often we will dismiss what we’ve accomplished
because it doesn’t look like we imagined it would.

We don’t see our current glory because we’re looking through filters of how-it-should-look.

Yes, there’s humungous value in writing out your goals but what I’ve learned is that it’s vital to leave the Universe with some wiggle room.

We cannot possibly comprehend all the lusciousness that’s possible … or how it will turn out or show up.

The best thing you can do is to set your intentions,

listen to the promptings of your inner GPS,

and never, ever, ever give up.

Up and at ‘em, you supernova you.

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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

Sandy Lévêque June 1, 2014 at 11:07 am

Beautiful blog! I love that perspective on journals and reading back to trace our steps. Well done for everything you’ve accomplished!

Reply

Jacqueline Gates June 2, 2014 at 3:54 pm

Hi Sandy … and thank you. Loved your blog and story too. Exquisite Freedom, indeed!

Reply

Kellie Hosaka June 4, 2014 at 5:29 am

Aloha Jacqui!

Thank you for sharing TMI with all of us!!

There is a big gem in there… the fact that you kept a journal!! Most people (including me) have tried & not been consistent in keeping a journal regularly. That is HUGE!! Congratulations! And you just showed us the value of going back and reading, and seeing how much personal growth has occurred. Wow!

And I can tell you how much you have grown since I have known you! You are incredible, innovative & fascinating!! A true “Goddess”!

Thank you for always sharing from your heart!

Much love,
Kellie 🙂
Kellie Hosaka´s last blog post ..Don’t Quit On Your New Year’s Resolutions

Reply

Connor Harley June 7, 2014 at 2:15 am

Such lovely post from a lovely person. It’s nice to reminisce about the things that happened in the past, both good or bad. It reminds us of all the things we have been through, and the fact that you are right here right now only means you were able to emerge from it victorious and all those hardships only made you a better and stronger person. Keep it up, Jacqueline!
Connor Harley´s last blog post ..How to Become a Speaker

Reply

Jen Marie September 7, 2014 at 6:39 am

THANK YOU for this Jacqueline “to give you hugs of encouragement and a gentle shove to keep you moving.”.. beautiful inspirational words. I would love to see you as a motivational speaker! You should continue your youtube videos. They are great!

Reply

Jacqueline Gates September 10, 2014 at 6:50 pm

I really shouldmake some more videos soon. And yes, being a speaker is definitely on the cards. Thank you, sweet Jen.

Reply

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