A few weeks ago, this goddess had a meltdown..
(yes, it’s taken a while to feel ‘solid’ enough to share it.)
I created something, offered it up for sale,
and it tanked.
Awash in total and utter, heart-squeezing disappointment.
Crushing sadness at what hadn’t happened “as it should”.
Bitter, bile-tasting frustration at a failure I’d thought impossible, or at least, improbable.
My chest compressed and breathing shallowed.
My eyes filled and spilled.
My gremlins cackled in vicious victory, so loudly that I couldn’t hear my usually clear inner voice.
I wanted to hide. Hibernate. Give up,
Because this isn’t the first time.
Despite what everyone seems to think, it wasn’t even the twentieth time.
It was just the ‘now’ time, and I wasn’t prepared.
For weeks and weeks, I’d been wrestling with doubt-filled procrastination,
dragging my heels on something I knew needed to be offered, launched, shipped.
Finally, the stars aligned. I got a virtual permission slip from the Universe and I began to believe I was infallible.
So I did it. That thing I’d been putting off for so long.
I finally, FINALLY got it done.
And it failed.
Not epically, with a grand flourishing gesture like the final scene of an opera.
More like the soundless, I-was-never-here of a ice cube melting in a glass.
And the bubble of confidence and omg-I-can-do-this-ness deflated with a hiss of told-you-so.
I felt crushed. Alone. Fragmented.
How many more times could I take this?
How many more times could I take this kind of fathomless disappointment, made all the more abyss-like because of the cloud-heights at which I’d been flying ?
This was too hard. The white flag was in my hand. I was done.
I curled up, fetal-ball, in my sanctuary chair and allowed tears to flow, breath to catch, emotions to flood.
Allow. Breathe. Be.
And on to the washed-clean slate floated two words,
Today was not a day for leaning into resistance.
Today was not for trying again, pushing through, fighting back.
Today would be for replenishment, renewal, re-setting.
I showered … allowing warm water, and gratitude and peace to flow over me.
Soaped off the grit of denial, self-deprecation, despair.
I dressed … dressed up, taking joy in the creativity of putting together an outfit, the sparkle of chandelier earrings, the swish-swirl of my skirt. Costuming myself in who-I-want-to-be rather than who-I’m-feeling.
Two phone calls to clear my morning. No excuses. Just firm rescheduling.
Handbag, journal, fountain pen, car keys. To the book shop.
Creamy latte, crunchy biscotti, a pile of published wisdom and an hour or two to absorb.
And from the pages, wisdom spoke up ….
“Between you and every goal that you wish to achieve, there is a series of obstacles, and the bigger the goal, the bigger the obstacles.
Your decision to be, have and do something out of the ordinary entails facing difficulties and challenges that are out of the ordinary as well.
Sometimes your greatest asset is simply your ability to stay with it longer than anyone else.”
~ Brian Tracy
“Every adversity, every failure, and every heartache, carries with it the seed of an equivalent or greater benefit.”
– Napoleon Hill
“Every time I’ve melted, I’ve emerged in better form.” ~ Tina Kennedy
On my laptop screen, the same message came from my coach/colleague/friend …
“This was not a flop. Not even close” – Lisa Hayes – The Sorority
I remembered Winston Churchill, “Never, never give up.” and I wrote that simple phrase at the top of my journal page, embellishing with doodles and hearts and stars.
And as if un-dammed, a torrent of words flooded onto the page.
Words of affirmation.
Words of confirmation.
Brilliant ideas and crystal clear strategies.
Insights and inspiration. Confidence and concrete next-steps.
By the time I got home, I was stronger, wiser, ready.
I knew what I’d needed to learn, why this had happened, and where I would go from here.
I’d seen a dark, deep corner of the cave where self-worth goes to die and been re-calibrated.
I had found a treasure.
And I was oh, so grateful.
The final ribbon-bow on this gift was waiting for me online, from Kellie Hosaka, one of the wisest women I know.
A video of Abraham Hicks. Eight minutes. A precise, exquisite explanation of the past 12 hours.
“If you feel bad about something, it means that you’ve asked for something, and the Bigger Part Of You has already become something that you’re not allowing the rest of you to keep up with.”
Self care created the time for ‘the rest of me’ to catch up.
Self care gave me the energy to unzip the cocoon and the perseverance to struggle free.
Self care has given me the the strength to bear the exquisite pain of blood pulsing through newly formed wings.
Self care allows me to fly.
Sweetheart, if you’re at the end of your rope, tired, frustrated, thiiiiiiiis close to chucking in the whole shebang,
it’s not time for pushing through or ‘making yourself’ do stuff.
I know you’ve tried that already, and it hasn’t worked, has it?
It time for self care. It’s time to nurture, nourish, nest.
It’s time to refill your pitcher so you can pour love and light on to others.
It’s time to love yourself as much as you do your kids and partner.
(And that’s a tweet-able, too)
Bliss-ings and love
Credit: Crying statue photo by Neha